At 27, I’ve always yearned for stable and secure relationships, but unfortunately couldn’t get any in spite of working too hard for them — and so I have a history of failure.
I have always looked forward to having warm, close and positive relationships, but in vain. I worry too much about my future and am all the more insecure due to my failed past.
I haven’t had many close relationships, except one when I was at college. And then after a long gap of four years, I met this guy.
'I am deeply in love with him and we had a close
bond for three months. However, at the beginning he told me he wasn't
interested in marriage'
I am deeply in love with him and we had a close bond for three months. However, at the beginning he told me he wasn’t interested in marriage.
I tried my best to enjoy the moment and continue the relationship, but future insecurity kept hovering over me.
I raised the marriage issue with him again, but received the same reply. No matter how hard I try to convince him, he gets all the more determined to keep away from marriage.
I am continuously living in limbo. I so desperately wish to live with him that I find it difficult to cut off from him. However, staying with him doesn’t seem peaceful either, as I am always in a state of conflict about the future.
The situation is extremely painful for me and I have tried keeping myself away from him, but I can’t move on.
I am being indecisive over this and not able to move in any direction. Every time we decide to break up over the marriage issue (he is fine having a relationship, but not marriage) I end up going back to him and the same cycle of conflicts begin.
He is compassionate towards me but refuses to change his decision. I am losing all hope. Please help.
ZOE
Once upon a time there was a little girl who dreamed of owning the most beautiful doll in the world. She’d pictured it for as long as she could remember: blonde, blue-eyed, pretty, pink-cheeked, perfect.
It even said ‘Mama’ in a sweet little voice like all those storybook dolls which offered adoration to their lucky owners. This little girl thought of her dream doll every minute, even though that obsession made her careless
with the toys she had.
She forgot about the teddy bear she’d kicked under the bed because who wants a silly bear?
Bad-tempered, she tore an arm off her grandmother’s precious rag doll and wouldn’t sew it back because the well-loved doll was nothing like the one she craved.
When someone gave her a wonderful wind-up dancing clown, she laughed briefly at its antics, then started to kick it because it couldn’t measure up to her perfect fantasy — until the colourful toy was broken and would dance no more.
All she could do was worry that no one would ever give her the dream doll and, therefore, she would never be happy. Then the little girl cried and cried and cried, until her face was blotchy and her family and friends lost patience, because all she did was bore on and on about the perfect doll she wanted — no, needed — so much.
Do you recognise the sad child in my story? What would you say to her?
You might usefully pull the teddy bear from under the bed, mend the rag doll, and ask her to see how bright and entertaining the clown was, until she spoilt him.
You might tell her that worrying about what you desire in a mythical future is the best way of ensuring it never arrives.
You might also warn her that at Christmas, if somebody gives you a gift that isn’t what you expected/wanted, you must still show appreciation of what you have been given, otherwise people won’t choose to give you anything at all next year.
Lastly, you must point out (quite sharply) that incessantly demanding perfection from those around you will ultimately drive them away.
My message to you should be quite clear by now.
First, you tell me you have ‘a history of failure’ with relationships, even though you go on to say you haven’t really had any experience of them.
The expression ‘working too hard’ sets the alarm bells off — a sign of a too-needy woman who will destroy the prettiest flower by grasping it too hard in her hot hands.
Most people reading this will feel the same mixture of compassion and exasperation as I do, at the destructive behaviour of a young woman who is berating a relatively new boyfriend about marriage and ruining any chance of a lovely, evolving relationship.
Sweetheart, most men run a mile from women who put out hooks to grasp at love.
I have no idea what will happen with this chap (it sounds to me as though it’s too late), but I am convinced that you need to seek counseling for your lack of self-esteem. I think it will do you good and suggest you find a local therapist as soon as possible.
At the same time, paradoxically, the voice of tough love within me is also telling you that such self-absorption is tedious — just as that little girl in my story became boring.
Men and women who are busy in this world, doing jobs, reading books, going to movies, helping others, keeping up with the news, checking out art galleries and museums, opening their minds equally to ice hockey and chamber music . . . they are the ones who become lovable, and earn love.
They are the ones who are so busy loving all the world has to offer and giving their time and energy to it, that they forget to whine piteously: ‘But what about me and my dream?’ Culled from dailymail.co.uk
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